I should just be me and just me

I tried to be someone else but that someone else made me feel absolutely low and dirty. I should have just stuck being me and stop imagining myself being someone else.

2014:5

I was reading the famous Sg Gay Confessions page and I questioned myself something that I have been questioning for quite some time.

You see I am already reaching three series but I have yet to have a relationship. NO relationship. None whatsoever. I was very discrete before and I never actually accepted myself as gay until recently. Even then, I'm still having conflict with myself accepting myself as gay. So, its like no relationship whatsoever. No sex whatsoever. Rarely managed to get a dick because I am considered as ugly and undesirable in this gay community. The last time I had a dick is one year ago. My arse is still a virgin. I always thought like I will save my body and my arse for someone special but I mean just how long can you wait? The jelly feeling that others have boyfriends and thus managed to channel their bodily desire with each other just make me feel jelly and kinda horny. Always. Just how long can you wait? Just how long can you hold that arse for that someone special? How long?

I need a boyfriend. Yeah family is important but family can't satisfy you bodily desire, can they? *incest much?*

Sekian, repekan pada hari ini. 

Chapter 2014: Episode 4

Urrgghhh..

Been trying to download a porn video but my internet is crappy!!

Grrr .. !

Chapter 2014: Episode 3

Yang seorang angin kus-kus macam nak datang.

Yang encik boss pulak buat tak tahu je.

When in fact, business outlook is not looking so good. 

Yet both of them seems to be indifferent to do a hell of marketing. 

Client dah sediakan platform yang best untuk marketing. 

Si angin kus-kus tak nak datang buat marketing.

Si encik boss tak nak paksa si angin kus-kus buat marketing.

Dah kalau aku yang kena buat semua marketing, baik aku dapat gaji yang termasuk dengan gaji dia.

Tak gitu?

Chapter 2014: Episode 2

Why is it so hard to accept that once you fall for a straight guy, you'll fall deep into the shadows? You know better than that. Your first straight crush made you fall really, really, really deep into the shadows. Don't fall for the second time. No matter how cute he is. Although, you could probably use him as your fapping material .....

Chapter 2014: Episode 1

Considering New Year's Day has overdue, I won't dwell on it so much. It's just the turning of the new year. Nothing special about it. Cehh konon. But really. I slept during the turning point of the new year. Sleep is much more precious. Hehehe ...

I shall begin my first post on this new year with my weird dream. I know. Weird dream and are-5th cannot dipisahkan =)

So it opens in a hospital of some sort. I was with my mum and my sis. And we were worried like hell. Like one of our family members are sick and need operation. Then, somehow my mum and me materialise (tak boleh blah punya ayat) at some department of the hospital. In there, there were numerous doctors offices and the nurse kindly said to us, "Makcik, bilik doktor yg dekat hujung sana, dekat corner sana tu." and guess what? The office was kind of spooky. Small, with only 3 small lamp to light the whole room. When we came in, he said, "Oh you family Izzad ke?" Now this is where it gets weird. I don't have any siblings name Izzad. But that name is the name of a primary school friend (who is cute and hot by the way). Then, after the doctor explain everything, I now am out of the office and this time with Daniel, who is supposed to be the family member that is sick. He is hugging me and crying because he needs to get an operation and I call my sister to calm my mum while I calm my brother Daniel, which in real life is not. He is another friend but this one in high school (and yes, he is a cutie too!) So, while I was calming him down, came Redza (who is another high school friend) who said "Hey! Let's take a picture for memories!" We tried selfie using my phone but somethow the three of us can't fit into the frame, so we asked someone to take it for us. After she take the photo for us, my phone freeze on me and when I switched it back, the photo was not taken and all of us were like disappointed that we can't preserved the memories.

Very weird. Dreaming of two cute guys in one dream. I'm not getting that dry now, do I?


P.S. Redza is not hot. Nor cute. But he is sweet. =))

Whooaaaa

Okay people! He's a bi! Now please continue your sexual fantasy with him =)

Weekend

Well, well, well ... Last weekend was such a blast. I had an impromptu plan to meet up with friends who came down south to attend another friend's wedding which I may have forgotten. The invite is through facebook and I don't know I always have this sentiment that if someone invites you to a wedding through facebook, it's not a sincere invite. Like hot hot chicken shit like that. And also I somehow determined that I won't go to any wedding or reunion with friends, not until I managed to lose my weight, which is rather unsuccessful. Needless to say the wedding this time, gave me joy and happiness and memories while taught me a thing or two.

It seems to me that I always look down on myself when in fact I am a greatest creation of God and my beloveds - family and close friends - does not have any problems with me being me - minus the part where I like guys. To them I am one very cherished friend and a good or even great son and brother at that. I need to learn and tell myself to love me more. Because how can I expect others to love me if I don't love myself first.

Living in a small town, separated from my closest friends made me appreciate all the time I can spend with them. Like last weekend, even though the time we spent together is short, but it was a cherished and memorable one at that that made me love them more and more.

I also learnt not to question the sincerity of the invites even though it was through facebook. My friend was thrilled that I attended her wedding and to me that is like nail to the head that I should not question the sincerity of the invites. Also, I need to start attending my friend's weddings. To those that I have missed (believe me there are lots) I'm sorry for practising this stupid policy of mine. If I can make it up to you, I shall. Though I don't think they ever read my blog. Hehehehe

Can I just rant? I need to rant. I need to let off some steam.

It's just really not my day today.  I had a very bored long weekend and when I woke up this morning, I had hope today will be a smooth sailing without any confrontations or worries at all. Turns up it was everything but.

Came to the office and found out that the draftperson is on medical leave. I have two urgent reports need to be completed by the end of today and the boss sent a text saying I have to find ways for me to finish the report. As much as I believe that I am pretty much skillful in my job, drawing a plan using Autocad is not really my forte. In fact, I believe none of my seniors knew how to use Autocad. So, alternatively the clerk was once in charged of the plan and so I asked for her help. Let's just say in short, she's very much reluctant and though she did help me draw it in the end but it was not without making spiteful comments. What spiteful comments? When did you hand in the report to the draftperson? You should handed it earlier so that she can do it earlier. *Hello! I sent it on Friday afternoon if my memory serves me right. So, she could have done it but nah..! Her printer is out of ink and I have no idea whether she used refill ink or a new inkjet. How to print? *Are you that dumb? Your computer has Autocad installed in it. Why can't you use YOUR computer and YOUR printer? My printer is very sensitive. If there's anything wrong after I printed it, you'll take responsibility. Deal? *Oh! Now we can only use our own laptop and printer is it? Speaking of that, where is my old printer that magically disappear after I sent it for repairs? I know you took it from the repair person considering it has your signature on the release paper. Is it at your home? Same as when you took my wireless mouse bought using office money. 

And then a senior valuer gave an indication in the area in which I am in charge. Hello! I can do my own job thank you very much. This is the second time he took away my job. What, just because you are a senior you can simply do anything is it?

*sigh*

I know I should count my luck considering I am not working in a company where your boss can simply scold you in public, which for the record I simply hate it because it's just plain rude and disrespectful. If you have anything to say to me, please say it to me myself and in private.

And now I am just feeling low. Too low in fact. I guess in this office of mine I had to learn how to do everything myself so that if something like this happened again, I can take charge myself and not subject myself to all these spiteful and irritating comments.

Obviously I have nothing to write

Can your preference be changed?

I mean before this I really hate my back hair, chest hair, tummy hair, pubic hair ad erm basically every hair on my body except the hair on my head.

I still hate my back hair.

But I come to love my body hair.

Looking at men with body hair turns me on. Big time.

So, is it normal?

Heck, even if it is not, I'm in love with me-self.

Once I gave so much for someone who just treats me as an option. Now I realise no matter how much I gave to anyone, I always go back to this certain someone. A certain someone who has been there for me in my highs and lows. Someone who has seen my tears and my fears. Someone who has always accept me for what I am (except for that one part though. That's a secret until he finds it on his own). Someone who I think knows much about me but rather keep it low in respect of me. Someone who has been my pillar of support outside of family. Someone whose wisdom I appreciate greatly. Someone, who is now, I am missing greatly. I long for a nice cuppa with a nice meal at a nice setting, just us relaxing, chatting, chilling. I need to do that, as soon as he landed in Malaysia (which unfortunately might be next year considering he already maxed out his annual leave).

I miss you dear friend.

I. AM. FREAKING. MELTING. AND. ENVY. RIGHT. NOW!

Gosh! He is absolutely cute and OMG his skin is like so fair and so flawless and his body is just nice to hug and oh things I would do to him if I get him ...

Life is too fragile

I have been meaning to write this post ever since I heard about it but my work load kept putting me off till now. This post is a dedication to an acquaintance that I never had the chance to know him better. Let's start on how I knew him first.

When I was in college, I live in the provided hostel. So many students from different programs being put together but the hostel admin still group us according to our program i.e. students from the same program will live together in the same room. I was at at that time under the south hemisphere program and I was quite shy and reserved at that time. I don't really mingle much with others from my program let alone other programs. I have my own small but close gang. However, I wasn't really like shy like don't talk to others at all. I mean sometimes we have a chat but that's just about it. It was here that I met this acquaintance.

Being in the same hostel it is normal if we bump into students from different program and this particular student caught my eyes. Well he caught my eyes firstly because he's a cutie. *smiling ear to ear* He's from a different hostel block and though I wasn't sure which program he was in, I was absolutely sure he's not from my program. Trust me, I'd notice if there's someone that cute in my program. There's something special about this guy. Something that made me more attracted to him. He always smiles at me whenever I bump into him. Not many people did that. And now that I think about it, he's the only one who ever did that. He always smile and not in the plastic way. It was a genuine, friendly, sunny, warmth smile. No matter whether he's tired or not, he always smiles. Sometimes I'd bump into him when he's just finished class or playing basketball or jog, he's tired, we all do if we had just did that, but he never failed to give me a smile or a quick hello whenever we cross our paths. But that's just it. It never manifest into a conversation, never once did we introduce ourselves to each other. This goes on for over a year. Until ....

I was on my way out to buy my lunch. I saw him sitting at the basketball court alone with his bag and from the way he dressed, I figured he just came back from the college. At first, when our eyes met, as usual, we just smile to each other. But something came over me that time. I thought "You know what I'm going to get to know his name." I made a u-turn and joined him at the court and I can still remember my first words to him. "Hey, we have been going on like this for a year. We bump into each other and we smile to each other but we never know each others name. My name is ****. What's yours?"

"Oh hi! My name is MG."

That's how we officially met. That's the very first time after a year being two strangers giving each other a smile, we became an acquaintance. It wasn't a long conversation. It's more like a small chat of where he came from, which program he's in and things like that. Then, we had our good byes and we go along our merry way.

I never really did managed to keep in touch with him after I moved on to my next stage of my studies until 2009, if I'm not mistaken. I randomly typed his name on facebook and managed to get a hit and there he was. I sent for a friend request but he never approves it till now. And it just ends there, until a few days ago.

A few days ago, a friend posted a status of farewell and RIP to a man named M and it striked me whether this is the same M that I knew. I did a little digging and to my shock, it was. It's the same guy. Somehow, without me knowing, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of sadness and grief. It was weird. We never know each other but his passing just overwhelmed me. Turns out he passed away due to a post operation complication.

Since then on, some of his friends have been commenting on the status on what kind a person he is. His best buddy even dedicated a post at his blog to him. From there, I managed to know just how wonderful and kind and inspiring this young man is. If only I knew him better. If only when I sent for the friend request, I slipped on a message saying that "Hey! It's me! The guy from college that you always give a smile when we cross our paths." Maybe then, we can rekindle the acquaintance-ship and changed it into friendship. Now, it's too late.

Dearest MG,
It was amazing how a stranger's smiles, heaps them, for over a year for every time we bump into each other can leave such deep memories in me. May you rest in peace MG and may God bless your soul. I shall never forget that smile of yours that were always filled with warmth, kindness and friendliness.

Regards,
****

Fall From Grace

Yesterday was very eventful. Too many things happened that I think 'people up there' are really pissed off with me.

1. I was down with fever, cold and sore throat because I became a durian glutton the night before. Guess I did not take enough water to balance the heat of all the durians that I ate.
2. My car broke down again! It made some strange sounds when I accelerate and kept termati-mati secara tiba-tiba. Check the coolant. It was low, well very low exactly but there was no indication that the engine was overheated. Or maybe I'm such a car bimbo that I didn't notice anything strange. Hmm...
3. Witnessing first hand how love that can be so pure and warm turns to be so destructive and ridiculous and plain stupid. 

In conclusion, yesterday was totally not my day!

Tiada Tajuk

Today is going to be a slow pace day. I'm at work now but I'm still idling - do a little bit of work then surf the net and now I found myself writing a post. Going to do a little shopping later on. Thinking of taking advantage of the massive discounts now that Raya is approaching. I already bought four pairs of denim that I managed to get at the bazaar. Yeah, it's a knock off but it's a cheap knock off and it looks pretty good too. The seller said that they hail from Siam and it's a much better, more quality than the ones hailed from Hong Kong but what do I know. This is my first time buying a knock off at a bazaar. Hehehehe. If the seller wanted to lie to me he could considering I'm a noob.

Now, where were we ..... Oh! The shopping!

I'm thinking of buying a few pairs of tees and maybe shirts as well. See whether got my size or not.

And now I have no idea what to write anymore. Hohohoho ....

Houston, we have a problem! Birdy's hangar is left open!

I'm not sure whether to feel very embarrassed or just to laugh at myself.

I went home during lunch hour to take a nap. Feeling so tired and sluggish. Thought of washing my car then head home but since it was raining a little, there's no point of me to wash the car. So, I went straight home.

What was planned to be at most 30 minutes nap turns to be a freaking 1 hour of sleep! Luckily my mother woke me up or else I'm pretty sure I'll be skipping my afternoon work! I quickly get dressed and with my baru bangun tidur eyes and state of mind, speed away to the office but it was not before I made a call to a friend asking for a favour.

I reached the office (managed to curse at someone for stealing my parking spot before that too. Curse him!), do a little bit of work, have a discussion with the boss and then my friend called me telling me that the favour is ready.

Immediately, I drove to her office (yeah, it's a she) to get the thing. Upon reaching that place, I saw that she's with her daughter and her daughter is smiling (or was it laughing?) rather devilishly. Received the item and when I said thank you, she made a comment of something blue that I did not quite catch and then she and my friend was laughing like mad. I was left with confusion on what was the joke about.

Before returning to the office, I made a quick stop at a convenience store to buy a cushion and when I returned to my car, only then I realised something. To my absolute horror, my fly was open! It was open freaking wide and guess what, I'm wearing a freaking blue underwear! Gah! Only then the something blue comment made sense! I was laughing and feeling embarrassed at the same time! Imagined me meeting my friend at her office and she has a front view of my crotch!

*facepalm moments*

What would you guys do if you see someone's fly is open? Do you keep it quiet or tell him about it or you guys just enjoy the view?


P.S. Luckily I did not have a hard on at that time!

Weekend!

The weekend has been rather uneventful and boring I'd say. I was working on Saturday and needed to go to a site for an inspection. Lucky for me the client is passable-y cute but he's with his wife. Touché. Though even if he's not with his wife, I won't want to risk my professionalism over a few flirts.

Later that evening, I went to look at the house I won through auction. It's actually my dad who used my name to bought it. So, no major property ownership for me, yet. Anyway, the house look rather trashy and dusty and ...... yeah just trashy and dusty. It's going to need a new coat of paint and maybe a little repairs here and there. Oh did I also mentioned that the weather during that time was fucking hot? I felt like I'm going to die out of heat!

On Sunday nothing happened except that I went for a facial. Got to spend the discounted voucher before it expires. And God my face was a mess! Got many of those "biji-biji" that the beautician managed to dig out. I think that was the most "biji-biji" I have ever seen on my face being dig out. Nearly filled the entire cotton pad! Guess more facials needed but I have to sort out my budget first. Just bought some of their beauty supplements and my wallet is crying. Let's hope this time it works.

The best entertainment ever!

The best entertainment when you have nothing to do in the office and you are bored?

1. Porn? *well that would be interesting but cannot. NSFW!*
2. Youtube *true. but not really the best*
3. Facebook *it's getting pretty bored there now*

drum rolls pleaseeeeeeeee .........

4. Reading K-Pop fans comments on allkpop.com and see all the antis and fans fight. Damn serious man! I wonder whether the celebrities really appreciate the fan as much as the fans would like the celebrities to appreciate them? Maybe the celebrities will just say "Fark it! I'll just smile, laugh, do a little fan service and they'll love me forever! Nothing to care about them. Nope." Or maybe they do appreciate their fans. Who knows. We never know them that well. I mean just because they were in some shows, some fans think that they know their celebrities like they have known them for years.

Now, time to indulge in more fans fights!


P.S. Yes, I have nothing better to do ....

Rolling In The Deep

Dimple!!

Throwback Thursday

Normally people would associate Thursday as Throwback Thursday right? Or was it Tuesday? Ugh. Never mind. For the purpose of this writing it will be Throwback Thursday.

How long have you know that you are gay?

As for me, I might be born with it. I remember when I was a kid there was this Chinese family that lives across the street and somehow I have a crush with their son. I can't really remember what the son's face looks like but I always imagining lying on top of him, playing while he would be heavily sweating. Somehow I like him all sweaty.

Then came primary school. In my class there is this cute lad and I remember his face vaguely. Perhaps need to ransack my past primary school class photo to see how his face looks like. He's cute and I always like him getting all sweaty. So somehow I always like to partner with him when me and my classmates go out to play.

Of course at that time I knew nothing about gay stuffs and all. What would you call it? Curiosity period? A little too early for anyone to become curious tak gitu? Hmm ....